Category Archives: Obama

Democratic Candidates

After watching the debates I have a theory about the candidates. They may be about ‘change’ or know something about ‘change’ or have some ‘change’ in their pockets. I’m not sure, I fell asleep when I heard the word ‘change.’

Change, change, change, change, change.

I can only imagine the word ‘change’ was polled with voters and came back with numbers previously held with words like ‘fuck’ and ‘Gyllenhaal.’ But what strikes me as funny is the resulting conversations with the candidates before the debate.

“Good news. We spent twenty million dollars to poll forty thousand Iowan voters and found out that the word ‘change’ sends them into an orgasm. They actually ejaculate when they hear the word. If you say the word change more than twenty times, the voters will actually lite up a cigarette after the debate.”
The candidates must of believed them because it soon became a ‘change’-off.

Obama: “I am all about the change.”
Clinton: “You may be about change, but I am change.”
Edwards: “You may be change, but I’m double change.”
Obama: “Yeah, well, my change is better than your change.”
Richardson: “Okay, I never got the memo about the word change.”

I think what the electorate is looking for is a candidate that doesn’t listen to these inane polls. But once again reality sets in and I realize that you can’t get elected without jiggling your keys in front of the infant voters. Still, there’s got to be something better to say. How about, “I’m all about a non-static posture.” or “A vote for me is a vote against the status quo.” or “Vote for me and you’ll be voting against Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.”

I only put in Britney and Paris because their names generate more hits on my blog.

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>Democratic Candidates

>

After watching the debates I have a theory about the candidates. They may be about ‘change’ or know something about ‘change’ or have some ‘change’ in their pockets. I’m not sure, I fell asleep when I heard the word ‘change.’

Change, change, change, change, change.

I can only imagine the word ‘change’ was polled with voters and came back with numbers previously held with words like ‘fuck’ and ‘Gyllenhaal.’ But what strikes me as funny is the resulting conversations with the candidates before the debate.

“Good news. We spent twenty million dollars to poll forty thousand Iowan voters and found out that the word ‘change’ sends them into an orgasm. They actually ejaculate when they hear the word. If you say the word change more than twenty times, the voters will actually lite up a cigarette after the debate.”
The candidates must of believed them because it soon became a ‘change’-off.

Obama: “I am all about the change.”
Clinton: “You may be about change, but I am change.”
Edwards: “You may be change, but I’m double change.”
Obama: “Yeah, well, my change is better than your change.”
Richardson: “Okay, I never got the memo about the word change.”

I think what the electorate is looking for is a candidate that doesn’t listen to these inane polls. But once again reality sets in and I realize that you can’t get elected without jiggling your keys in front of the infant voters. Still, there’s got to be something better to say. How about, “I’m all about a non-static posture.” or “A vote for me is a vote against the status quo.” or “Vote for me and you’ll be voting against Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.”

I only put in Britney and Paris because their names generate more hits on my blog.

Debate Coverage – it’s not the answers, it’s the questions.

Oddly enough, its not the answers that fills me with dread. It’s the questions. They never ask questions of value.

Questions never asked: Off the top of my head. . . .
Have you ever seen a UFO? (Pres. Carter did.) How many people would you justify killing to secure our oil interests? Who are your biggest contributors and how beholden are you to them? Will you be appointing a special prosecutor to pursue Bush administration wrong doings? If no, how many other crimes will you ask the Justice Department not to pursue? (For the Republicans) Why is homosexuality so abhorrent to you? Please describe your own sexual proclivities so we all can judge you. Doggy style? Oral sex? Would you ever consider having sex with Jesus?

Do you believe that global warming exists? If so, do you agree that drastic action is required?

There are two million people in U.S. prisons. 80% are in prison for drug offences. Is the legal system the best way to handle what is essentially a public health issue? Marijuana doesn’t kill anyone, how do you justify legalize tobacco? Should marijuana be legal? Should alcohol? Alcohol kills more and hurts more than all the illegal drugs combined.

If you don’t endorse universal healthcare, how do you justify murdering U.S. citizens that don’t have insurance?

And can we, for the love of god, have a debate which give the candidates enough time to fully answer the questions. And if they don’t answer the question, can’t the moderator press for an answer? I’d prefer a system whereas the moderator can push a button and send the candidate through a trap door if they don’t answer.

Almost every politician has endorsed testing our teachers – can’t we test the candidates? Give me a thousand word essay describing the worst part of the American dream. How are your algebra skills? How many signers of the Constitution can you name? Please list the amendments to the constitution.
Since we’ll never, ever, ever get anything like that, I’m throwing up my hands at the entire process.

The shallow American . . .

Lets get down to the real issues. We don’t really need a debate. We don’t even need a primary. As an American I make my choice based on looks alone. I’m all about the image. So, in the end its Romney vs. Obama. But, as an American, I place huge value on their names, so I can’t vote for Mitt or Obama. I’ve never even heard of a Mitt before. That leaves Hillary. But as an American my voting decision is mostly based on who has the best television commercial. Hillary has the worst commercials. So, as an American, my vote now goes to whoever gives me the best photo ops. I need a candidates willing to go to a diner and sample the local cuisine, just to show they are like the average Joe. Too bad that will never happen. But if I had to make a decision now, my vote goes to the best haircut. For this reason, and this reason alone, I am throwing my support behind Derek Zoolander! Zoolander from President!!!! Mugatu for Vice President.

>Debate Coverage – it’s not the answers, it’s the questions.

> Oddly enough, its not the answers that fills me with dread. It’s the questions. They never ask questions of value.

Questions never asked: Off the top of my head. . . .
Have you ever seen a UFO? (Pres. Carter did.) How many people would you justify killing to secure our oil interests? Who are your biggest contributors and how beholden are you to them? Will you be appointing a special prosecutor to pursue Bush administration wrong doings? If no, how many other crimes will you ask the Justice Department not to pursue? (For the Republicans) Why is homosexuality so abhorrent to you? Please describe your own sexual proclivities so we all can judge you. Doggy style? Oral sex? Would you ever consider having sex with Jesus?

Do you believe that global warming exists? If so, do you agree that drastic action is required?

There are two million people in U.S. prisons. 80% are in prison for drug offences. Is the legal system the best way to handle what is essentially a public health issue? Marijuana doesn’t kill anyone, how do you justify legalize tobacco? Should marijuana be legal? Should alcohol? Alcohol kills more and hurts more than all the illegal drugs combined.

If you don’t endorse universal healthcare, how do you justify murdering U.S. citizens that don’t have insurance?

And can we, for the love of god, have a debate which give the candidates enough time to fully answer the questions. And if they don’t answer the question, can’t the moderator press for an answer? I’d prefer a system whereas the moderator can push a button and send the candidate through a trap door if they don’t answer.

Almost every politician has endorsed testing our teachers – can’t we test the candidates? Give me a thousand word essay describing the worst part of the American dream. How are your algebra skills? How many signers of the Constitution can you name? Please list the amendments to the constitution.
Since we’ll never, ever, ever get anything like that, I’m throwing up my hands at the entire process.

The shallow American . . .

Lets get down to the real issues. We don’t really need a debate. We don’t even need a primary. As an American I make my choice based on looks alone. I’m all about the image. So, in the end its Romney vs. Obama. But, as an American, I place huge value on their names, so I can’t vote for Mitt or Obama. I’ve never even heard of a Mitt before. That leaves Hillary. But as an American my voting decision is mostly based on who has the best television commercial. Hillary has the worst commercials. So, as an American, my vote now goes to whoever gives me the best photo ops. I need a candidates willing to go to a diner and sample the local cuisine, just to show they are like the average Joe. Too bad that will never happen. But if I had to make a decision now, my vote goes to the best haircut. For this reason, and this reason alone, I am throwing my support behind Derek Zoolander! Zoolander from President!!!! Mugatu for Vice President.