My own Fake Religion

George Carlin on God and Hell: Religion is Bullshit

My buddy Jacob over at Contextual Criticism woke me up to another great blog Unreasonable Faith – If you get a chance, check them both out.

My own fake religion

For the longest time I wanted to build my own fake religion around Fabio’s face killing a goose. March 30th, 1999, Fabio Lanzoni, was stuck in the face by a goose while riding Apollo’s Chariot (a roller coaster) at Bush Gardens. Upon hearing this most unlikely chain of events I couldn’t help but wonder, and then marvel, at the odds. Think of the congruence of events that would lead to such an event. Never in the history of roller coasters had a large eatable bird committed a Kamikaze run. (The goose itself has since been stuffed and sold on eBay The Church of Fabio must have this religious icon returned to the faithful. No doubt, in the far future, taxidermy geese will litter our cathedrals.)

A True Miracle

It’s those long odds which would drive my faith. A goose, upon spying Fabio, said to itself, ‘I hate Fabio so much, I’m going to die trying to kill him.’ (Not an unreasonable thing to think.) As if by destiny, Fabio was riding in the front row of the coaster. What are the odds of that happening? What are the odds of a goose killing itself to fight everything I am not. It was a miracle.

Then, slowly, the entire story came to light. Fabio was the celebrity guest on the maiden voyage of Apollo’s Chariot; geese had just begun nesting in the ponds surrounding the coaster. The only thing unusual was that they hit one of the few famous male models. If the Geese would of hit Zoolander, I couldn’t have been filled with less schadenfreude.

The truth: the event wasn’t a matter of chance. The odds of this happening was around 100%. If Bush Gardens had a larger advertising budget that goose may have hit Richards Simmons or Robin Leach. But that won’t mean anything to the faithful. Either this was a miracle or it wasn’t. Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.

Either you think, or you don’t.

The Death penalty according to Leviticus 20: Cursing your parents, committing adultery, making love to your step-mother or your daughter-in-law, homosexuality, beastiality – and here’s where it gets weirder than usual – it’s GOD’s decree that the man-raped animal be put to death; (as a warning to other animals?) Later, Islam picked up this twisted tradition by decreeing that women are animals. Do we really need to listen to people who build their morality on an ancient book? Why is this an argument for hate? The U.S.ofA. is one of the few countries left that deals in capitol punishment. What ever happened to Thou Shall Not Kill? Doesn’t the 10 Commandments trump Leviticus?

Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings. — Victor Stenge


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