Monthly Archives: January 2009

Rod Blagojevich, the greatest show on earth. Tonight, on Maddow

Rod Blagojevich. What? I don’t. . . What? What is he saying? I don’t get it. And this nonsense has gone on waaaay too long. This can’t be real. Innocent people don’t act like this. No one acts like this. Were the recordings of Rod’s phone calls part of a radio play broadcast out of his basement? What possible defense is there when there isn’t any defense? And then it hit me. Blago’s wig gave it away. I had seen that hair before. That hair belongs to Tony Clifton. Rod Blagojevich is Andy Kauffman.

It’s the perfect ending to Kauffman’s story. We all suspected Kauffman faked his own death back in ‘84. 25 years later, it was time for Kauffman to pounce. Sure, he had some face work done, but you can’t miss those crazy-time-at-the-Apollo eyes. Only Andy Kauffman would find joy in ridiculous prattle in the face of such damning evidence. If Andy did die then we’re going to need an exorcism. Andy is running Blago’s brain. Blago, uh . . . I mean Andy will on Maddow this evening. I’ll make popcorn.

What a guy. Hell of human being. Entertainer extraordinaire, lover, fighter, the immaculate, . . . . Tony Clifton. How does he do it?

If it turns out I’m wrong about the whole Blag-Kauffman connection, the only way this makes sense is if the cops find two kilo’s of blow in his trunk, otherwise, I just don’t get it.

Built on Lies – The Church of Scientology, the Mormon Church

What is a cult? Is Scientology a cult? Hell yes it’s a cult. The time for debating such questions has long passed. Scientology may be the best example of a world-wide cult. Calling themselves a church for the tax-exempt status should be a cult beacon. Even a small amount of research yields a plethora of the bullshit they are selling. If there was ever anything you would think we could all believe in, this is it. Scientology is a cult and these cults should not receive tax exempt status. So says my Annonymous pin-up girl!

This video is a little long but it tells the true story of these poor people.
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2907540&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1
Protest at Scientology’s International Headquarters 19 Jan 2009 from Doug Owens on Vimeo

For those lost lonely souls, with low self-esteem, searching for meaning in their lives, lusting for acceptance, Scientology is a dream come true. “If they can show the way to success, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.” Scientology sells answers, and like any religion, rewards devotion.

For most, it’s a waste of time.

I recently heard they abducted The Fresh Prince, Will Smith into their cult. If you’ve never noticed, low self esteem can be a driving force behind a movie star’s motivation to be famous, so its not a surprise that so many celebrities fall for this con. I honestly feel bad for Smith. He seems like a decent guy. Now, he’ll be spending huge amounts of money and decades of time to receive validation from a e-meter. That’s just sad.

If put on trial tomorrow the Scientology cult wouldn’t pass the truth test. Like every other cult they would never survive scrutiny. Life is an emotional ride when you become desperate for an answer, and you can bet the house that the con-men controlling him are fanning those desperation flames as best they can. Right now we could show Will Smith the facts of Scientology, but it wouldn’t be devotion if anyone could dissuade you with facts.

Try telling the widow and mothers of the men who gave to their last in Iraq; try telling them it was all for naught. Try and tell them their sons died for one man’s vanity. You can’t. It would be hurtful and you probably don’t want to be an ass. Truth and facts don’t always matter. Try telling a Scientologist that the last ten years of devotion has been for nothing.

So here goes Will Smith, lumbering through life with a dumb-ass look on his face (see Tom Cruise) believing in a reality that doesn’t exist. His future is lost.

Is he happier?

That’s the question I kept brooding about for a long, long time. What if this nonsense makes him happy? It strikes me very unusual for people to be walking around with big shit-eating grins on their face. It seems unhealthy to believe you are really, really happy all the time. Are they drugged? Maybe I should be drugged? Who’s to say that’s a bad thing? Is he really happy or is he working fervently to be happy? How long can you do that? SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!! Serinity now was the answer to my quesiton, Is he happier? No, he’s not.

So, I turn away from Will Smith. I know it isn’t right. It’s like listening to a couple fight in the next room. When you call the cops? Did he hit her? Why does this Scientology cult still receive tax exempt status? Did someone at the IRS get paid off?

The Mormon Cult

As far a cults go, this one has been breeding those nightmare, children-of-the-corn, people for waaay to long. Unbeknownst to most, there is a theocratic state among the fifty. I often wonder how the state of Utah would respond to missionaries trying to convert their citizens to the not-so-crazy version of Christianity. Mormons don’t have a great track record of tolerance and if you want to piss off a Mormon, just mention that you are so very sad that genetics proves the Book of Mormon to be a lie.

The Mormons teach us that it doesn’t matter how nutty your belief is, as long as oblique happiness is a byproduct. Why wouldn’t you be happy? If you can talk yourself into believing the unbelievable then you can certainly force yourself to believe this blind faith is making you happy.
The problem with cults isn’t that they distort truth from just a few, when the faith grows to several million and becomes institutionalized, truth becomes the handmaiden to mental illness. How long can you lie to yourself before you. . . .SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!!

Let’s say you’re a young girl, growing up in Utah, under the Mormon faith. How much free-will do you receive from this religion? Not much. It’s brainwashing on a massive scale. It’s sick, it’s twisted, and God would never want women treated that way. We should be sending missionaries to Utah in hopes of liberating these women. Between God and family, I don’t imagine they have the option to take another path. Feeling trapped.

Built on Lies

Cults are built on lies and run on power and money. Mormon men have had a long history of working toward controlling women. Multiple wives is only a symptom of a much larger cultural problem. By proclaiming it “God’s will” how women behave, they have institutionalized slavery for the believers. Those that don’t believe are institutionally disavowed. For the “Church” of Scientology it’s more about money, with church members using “any means necessary” to fight enemies of the Church of Scientology. Don’t believe me? Please, please read about the Cult of Scientology in this Time Magazine Article: The Thriving Cult of Greed and Power

There’s much, much more at:

http://www.xenu.net
http://www.xenutv.com/
http://www.youfoundthecard.com/
http://www.taxexemptchildabuse.net/
http://theunfunnytruth.ytmnd.com/
http://www.exscientologykids.com/
http://www.goanonymous.org/

In March of Last year I reported on one of the coolest things I have ever seen. It’s the story of Anonymous. Who is Anonymous? We all are, but in this case it’s a group of students and young people that have taken it upon themselves to announce that the Emperor of Scientology has no cloths! What makes Anonymous so powerful is that they are organized throughout the internet, thousands of them. They are nothing more than a group of decent people that can understand hypocrisy. They understand the difference between right and wrong. They believe we all have the right to fight against the evil, that is, Scientology. And I’m in love with my Anonymous pin-up girl. Anonymous unrequited love. Never a good idea.

Olbermann’s 8 Years in 8 Minutes, My Best Investment Advice and the Growing Spooner Threat.

Keith Olbermann with eight years in eight minutes:

My best Investment advice:

This is the time to invest in Obama dinner plates. Obama coins are just stupid. Word on the street: The Bradford Exchange has cornered the fake collectable dinnerware market. I like to imagine that the Bradford was wiped out along with the NYSE when a small earthquake hit. At once, thousands of collector plates fall off the wall forcing hundreds of plate millionaires into despair; three of them try to commit suicide by throwing themselves out of the windows of the Bradford Exchange. It isn’t until they land in the flower bed outside do they remember they are in a one floor building in the middle of Iowa.

Right now, in your city, is a person with a complete fifty-state spoon collection that took four years to complete. I don’t make any judgments on these type of people – let’s call them Spooners. Okay, I’m lying. I make huge judgements about Spooners. Do they live amongst us? Are they teaching my children? Gaaawd! Say it isn’t so.

During Obama’s term of office we must face the growing Spooner threat. These people, and I use the term ‘people’ loosely, could be spending time with our kids. They could be telling your grandchildren about the new Franklin Mint Presidential Thimble collection. Thimbles!!! Are you prepared to live the consequences of doing nothing? Some say that there is a strong Nurse/Spooner correlation. No one knows for sure, but these Spooners could be taking care of your father in that old age home you can’t remember the name of. It’s a terrifying thought.

Collectable plates make me want to resurrect my failing harp seal pinata business or finally invest in a tortilla press with a sketch of Jesus etched into the metal. I’ll be printing out Jesus-on-a-tortilla as fast the Franklin Mint can produce those three eagle/two flag Obama plates. My new Jesus-in-a-tortilla will be in full color, have Obama, four eagles, three fully colored flags, Mt. Rushmore and on the backside it will feature a picture of General George Patton, Abraham Lincoln and Uncle Sam as they fall off the twin towers on 9/11. Each hand crafted tortilla will be saluted by a full bird colonel before shipping in this stylish plastic bag, and clearly stamped with love: “God Bless America and Jesus Loves You.” But wait, that’s not all. Along with each Jesus-on-a-tortilla will be an Indulgence forgiving you of all your sins. Each indulgence will be signed by an aging baseball hall-of-famer and countersigned by Jesus himself. For verification purposes, each indulgence shares a bate stamped twelve digit authentication code, guaranteeing your place in heaven beside Jesus and Obama. It’s perfect for hanging on any wall or can be used as emergency toilet paper.

The Trial of George Bush

Media vultures are circling. Blood is in the water. It’s Lord of the Flies meets Revenge of the Nerds. There’s gonna’ be a hangin’. Sheeple will rise up together and become men. Banging the trial drum in protection of President Bush will be a chorus of right-wing octogenarians singing, “We ain’t fur it, we’re again’ it!” No one listens. Bush couldn’t create jobs when he was in office, but his trial should launch many careers. Monday evening Olbermann will be giving us his special comment on why this country should bring President Bush to trial on charges of torture. Didn’t Shakespear write this story?

I don’t find it difficult to believe that we’ve been watching a puppet/dupe President, designed by script, to perpetuate a fraud. A script written by war profiteers and big oil executives strictly for monetary gain. And like a bookie with a fixed game, word gets out. If the rich white criminals were worried about the law, Republicans had their back. There won’t be an investigation because there won’t be any regulations. Toward the end of the dupe-President’s term other corporations wanted their taste at the trough. The doors to the treasury were thrown wide. Logging, auto, homebuilders, all, stepped up to the banquet. The Banks were first in line. Time was growing short. Out of frustration Bush finally said, “here, take all the money” and the Mint’s printing presses began churning out hundred’s like they were putting out a fire. The only way it could of been worse was if Congress had authorized a thousand dollar note.

Now, I am forced to watched the third act of the Shakespearian tragedy, not because someone has a gun to my head, but because I dearly need the validation that the destruction of our nation and possibly the world, means something. It took eight years to produce this play and we finally caught the villain in this story of greed and hubris. It’s the kind of story that demands a reckoning. I’m ashamed to admit that I am lusting for it.

Can there be a trial of George W. Bush without CNN broadcasting live coverage? All I know is that I have no free will. I must watch the Trial-of-the-century-gate.

End the Gate!

In an effort to place a wooden stake through the heart of the suffix “gate,” I am calling on the internet community to support me in artificially adding “gate” to “the trial,” and daring the media outlets: Any use of “gate” after this will be severely vilified and cursed. “End the gate!”* *One proviso, if by chance this movement is caught up in a scandal, then we can call that “End-the-gate-gate!”

Loss of My Free Will – Gate

Dust off the guillotine and polish up that blade. If this trial was a concert I’d be first in line. If it was a shopping mall I’d be their drunken Santa. If it was a breakfast, I’d be the sterling silver ladle of justice pouring its frothy white cream over the freshly picked strawberries of crime. (The Tick.) Honestly, Bush’s trial-gate has me worried for my own health. That Roman Coliseum stone seating will be difficult to manage. I’ll need some pillows, two extra televisions complete with Tivo and some sort of colostomy bag. I expect to die from muscle atrophy before “The Trial” is finished. I don’t care if Cheney’s minions sneak in the back door and steal the silverware, I want my front row seat.

But, it all seems too perfect. Act III, Enter stage from the left-wing: A new symbol of hope walks on stage, a black man in shining armor. He’ll be the one to smite the evildoer.

But lest we forget, it was the people of this country that elected George Bush and we all share the blood on our hands for that knucklehead move. Or, at least half of us should.

CNN will be giving Trial-gate a theme song. I vote we steal the Baretta one:

Goodbye Letter from George W. Bush to New Christian Men

Dear Mr. Jesus freak,

Feel proud. The morality taught to you through the teachings of Jesus Christ is leading you down a path of many great men before you.

As you proceed down this path you’ll find many of Jesus’ truths to be advantageous to your gender. For instance, its tradition for you wife to be subjugated your will. In other words, Christians of faith are allowed wives that must fully submit their free will to you. Without Jesus’ message to obey, females learn, early in life, that they don’t need men. Through Jesus’ help, most little girls are easily brainwashed into believing that God demands that the only way to feel his love is to submit to that special man that completes them.

Also, as a man you can also freely enjoy the drive to kill. Fighting for Jesus is morally acceptable.

The Christian church also allows you to persecute anyone your pastor hates. Don’t worry about interpreting Jesus’ good word, the Christian church provides a religious leader for just that reason. No longer will you be burdened with the worry about your choices, just look to the church. As an added bonus you can expect to spend your time and money in an effort to punish those that don’t share Jesus’ morality, because if you’re not with Jesus, you’re against him. Remember, only the true believers are saved so it doesn’t matter how you treat the unchosen.

God’s true news: Not once, in the history of the Christian church, has the teachings of Jesus Christ been used to advocate hate. Jesus is about love. The words of Jesus has never been used to subjugate women like every other monotheistic religion. Jesus’ churches has never taught racism or bigotry. History is just one long story describing how religious morality has stopped wars and ended poverty. Why would anyone who believes in God’s love advocate war? The very notion is obviously a lie provided by Satan. Finding Jesus’ love only comes through accepting him as your savior. Without that love it has been the practice of the church to enforce Jesus’ love. It’s not war if its for Jesus; hate becomes love when Jesus is threatened. When has Jesus not been morally correct? Our savior’s morality has never advocated pain and suffering for those that oppose him, just those that won’t accept his love.

Sincerely,

President George W. Bush

No one is above the law, why Mormon’s suck, and the Trial of George Bush

“No one is above the law.” & “Waterboarding is torture.” – – Attorney General Nominee, Eric Holder.

Wow! This is huge. How can Holder not file charges against the President?

There’s gonna’ be trial. The Trial of President Bush. Just typing these words gives me hope that this country will survive the current economic crisis. This hope comes from the same reason I believe that most evangelical churches will eventually fail. Without a real moving base in ethics, the lack of forward progress stifles the health of those pushing against the tide of truth. For us to evolve as a species our ethics must also evolve. Over time, denial of ethical truth becomes a burden. Fortunately for us, to evolve as a nation we only need to vote. Religions are based on a fascist model. Using arguments like tradition, God’s will, and endorsement in scripture reinforces the Church’s cornerstone of power but doesn’t tolerate much growth.

On the forefront lately has been Jesus’ anger with homosexuals, because, for some reason, God cares so very much about how people have sex. According to Jesus, what we do with our genitals is of utmost importance to God. Apparently, God’s acceptance is absolutely dependent on the techniques used during coitus. Jesus went into great detail about how genitals are to be sexually stimulated because God will burn us in everlasting agony if we get this wrong. Is it just me or does this sound like someone is selling bullshit? Wouldn’t God care more about how we treat one another. Silly me.

Big Love is not into Big Taxes.

The Mormon Church has obviously broken the law for tax exempt status.
http://services.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f8/1417423198
Thanks to God is for Suckers – – for the posting, “Why Mormon’s Suck.”

It’s not much of coincidence that every monotheistic religion demands subjugation of women. Why would the Mormons be any different? My beef with the Mormons reflect directly on their treatment of women. The Mormon church praises the Jesus that demands millions of women to live in domestic servitude. Don’t all women enjoy submitting to being a slave and living in a cultural vacuum? I have no respect for these “religious” men that brainwash little girls into believing this crap. Which is more plausible, Jesus demanding that women submit to their husband’s will or that the church is run by a bunch of horny old men?

Olbermann and Maddow do it again

Former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan had his mother send my mother a signed copy of his book, “What Happened.” I finally started reading it, pre-judged by the notion that the title punctuation should of been a question mark. Did anyone else but me notice that the Bush administration never denied the accuracy of McClellan’s accusations? (Non denial denials always point to the real truth.) Most of the attacks were directed at McClellan’s loyalty and the horror of making money from selling his book. (I guess this means everyone else in the administration will be writing their books pro bono.)

I’m about half way through What Happened and I am stunned with Scott’s candor. “What Happened,” may be the best assessment to date of the truth inside the Bush administration. Scott, bravo, well done. You are truly one of the few inside the Bush administration that has moral character. It took a great deal of courage to step away from Bush. Thank you for doing the right thing. Don’t worry about your detractors, in the long run, truth has a way of winning out. History will set you free and this time, history will be written by the internet.

Keith Olbermann (“He’s Evil” – – – Sarah Palin)

Olbermann hosted Professor Jonathan Turley of George Washington University, who has repeatedly impressed me with his reasoning toward the issue of torture. I agree with his assessment; there is no issue. Torture is illegal, and Pres. Bush authorized and used torture; end of story. Currently the issue is: Will the Obama administration prosecute these war crimes? In Bush’s last interview he seemed quite candid in his participation, as has the Vice-President. How can you not prosecute?

Turley made the strongest case yet when he points out that Obama will take an oath to uphold our laws,

“He can’t do that by having one of his first acts be to ignore them. There’s no question that crimes were committed by his predecessor. And he can either begin his administration as a man of principle and allow the law to take us wherever it may lead or he will inherit the same type of moral relativism that corrupted the previous administration.”

Well said Turley! I couldn’t agree more. If Obama begins his presidency by ignoring these crimes, the era of Bush ethics will continue.

The real questions is often deflected into, Will these crimes be handled by a Congressional Investigation or will Obama’s Attorney General get the honor? I like to frame the question as, does Bush get the rich white man Congressional trial or does he get the Live-on-TV kangaroo court the left has been frothing for? I’m covered in froth. Bringing me back to may favorite quote:

“I am the sterling silver ladle of justice, pouring it’s frothy white cream over the freshly picked strawberries of crime.” – – – The Tick.

When Bush is arrested he should make bail. He wouldn’t be much of a flight risk. What country would have him? It would be like asking, “Would you like to hold this live grenade?”

Rachel Maddow

Rachel hosted Major David J.R. Frankt, the lead defense counsel for Mohammad Juwad, one of the “detainees” in Guantanamo. Major Frankt has single handedly inspired me out of my nearly permanent cynicism by revealing that most of the military tribunals/commissions have been doing their best to end their own job. They have rejected the idea of obviously unConstitutional trials. He called the trials fixed. When joining the military they took oaths to protect the Constitution.

It’s been too long since I’ve experienced an example of ethics. I hardly recognized it.

Teaching my Son

The way I figure things, if I can just keep my son from drinking before he turns twenty-five, he’ll be alright. You try your best to impart wisdom, but you never know what’s getting through. Often my lectures are met with a dull blank stare. So, lately I’ve been working on being subtle. On a semi-regular basis I force him to watch My Big Redneck Wedding. It’s much easier to teach through example, and when the drunk groom proposes by pissing ‘will you marry me’ in the snow my son’s astonished face shows that recognition I so dearly need.

“What’s the matter?” I would say. “Doesn’t drinkin’ look fun?” That’s when he’d point out that the 400 lb. bride doesn’t have any teeth. Which leads to my explanation of beer goggles. “You’ll never be a real man until you drink so much you wake up next to someone’s fat grand-ma.” One day I suggested we stop by the Poodle Dog Lounge because The Simpsons used it as a blueprint for Moe’s. And yes, the patrons covered their eyes from the sunlight when we entered. We didn’t stay long. Becoming annoyed with my anti-alcohol preaching, one day my son actually asked me, “What do you regret other than drinking when you were my age?”

Other than drinking? Women. Definitely women. I was such an ass, but it’s a hard thing to inspire empathy in a teenager so I spilled the beans on Sherri O’Connor, my biggest regret. Sherri was perfect. A goddess. At 13 she had the sweetest next-door-neighbor face and the largest breasts in middle school.

By 14, when she arrived at high school as a freshman, they had grown even larger. They were enormous. Unobstructed by Newtonian gravity they mesmerized every boy in school, creating an army spastic dweebs in their wake. None of us could look her in the face. I don’t feel bad about that. At the time I had no free will.

By her junior year she was more breast than human. They stood out like mighty guns on a battleship, firing sex at every boy in eyeshot. Sherri must of been mortified. What could she do? For every boy in school she was little more than a sexual fantasy come to life. No fashion could disguise the Cesar’s Palace waitress going to our school.

And then, the unthinkable happened. (Insert overly dramatic music here. Da-Da-Daaaaaa!) First day of her senior year Sherri walked into home room with regular sized breasts.

By the end of the day I had organized most of the guys into wearing black arm bands. At the end of the second day almost every guy and even some girls were wearing them. That is what I regret. Sorry Sherri. (No, that’s not her real name, but if she ever reads this she’ll know.) Again, sorry.

I was sincere in my regret and my son understood how emotional scars were created. We had talked about that earlier. I’ve been proud to explain the myths of religion. Less enjoyed was my teaching him to be cynical about religion. I can only hope it will serve him well in the years to come. I tried to explain that most racism derives from religious intolerance, but I didn’t have a tangible example, until now. To be fair, I’m not even sure this is an authentic audio clip. The parts of the Jewish parents could be created by the radio station’s staff. Here’s the skinny:

A Jewish girl away from home at college prank calls her parents and tells them she started dating an Italian guy. The father threatens to kill the guy and the mothers comments are priceless.
http://embed.break.com/MjkwMTE3
Jewish Girl Prank Calls Her Parents – Watch more free videos
If this prank call is authentic, I am truly concerned for Jews everywhere. What kind of God punished the parents for the children’s sins? Does the mother really believe this nonsense? Why the sincere hate of Italians? Why would parents want to instill this kind of intolerance unto their children?

Latest favorite quote:
“I am the sterling silver ladle of justice, pouring it’s frothy white cream over the freshly picked strawberries of crime.” – – – The Tick. http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/1315391/snake_game_in_the_student_house.swf

SNAKE Game in the Student House – video powered by Metacafe

How to Find the Right Lawyer

Over the last week I was asked two different questions that have the same answer. How do you find the right lawyer? – – -Which is not an uncommon question for me. Lawyers, law offices, power brokers and Texas politics have been revolving around my legal briefs since I had a penal.

The other question was asked by a dear friend of mine who was in a frenzy to understand why I was so sedate about his fate before a county court on an assault charge. (It wasn’t enough that he wasn’t guilty of the charge.) I understood that his innocence wouldn’t be much of a factor because of the county he was in and the attorney he had hired. Telling him he didn’t need to worry only fueled his insistence on an explanation.


For those that don’t know:

FYI: In Texas, judges are elected. Last time I looked it cost nearly a quarter of a million to run effectively as a district judge; almost a cool million to run for the state supreme court.

FYI: Judges don’t care if your client is guilty. They don’t want to. In an effort not to pre-judge a case, it’s just easier not to care. This is a good quality. No one wants a judge that is easily swayed by public opinion or pop culture.

FYI: When a judge retires from public life the campaign account of “Re-Elect Judge Roy Bean to District 2,” becomes “the personal checking account of Judge Roy Bean.”

FYI: District judges receive hefty paychecks compared to other states. Why? By Texas law, the pay for state legislators is directly related to how much state judges are paid. If you are slow on the uptake: When the legislature wants to give themselves a pay raise, they vote to increase the pay for judges.

Where do judges get the money to run?

It depends on what type of cases they preside over. Supreme court justices are generally supplanted with campaign donations from corporations – not directly, that would be illegal. But what is there to stop a CEO from giving four thousand dollar bonuses to it’s chief executives that donate the maximum $2,300. And what if this CEO has over a fifty chief executives? One corporate donor could effectively buy a seat on the Texas supreme court. And they do.

County judges handle most of the regular run-of-the-mill criminal cases so they generally receive campaign contributions from local criminal trial attorneys. Criminal cases with a higher profile are quickly snapped up by the district courts. (There’s a reason, I’ll come back to it.) Mostly, district courts handle large civil claims. For obvious reasons, big time civil attorneys love to contribute to district judge campaigns. Not a hard thing to do when you consider that law firms can easily be filled with over a hundred attorneys. ($$$ Each giving the maximum contribution.$$$)

It’s not bribery if its legal.

First, let me state, there is no direct bribery. There’s no need. Put yourself behind the bench. Remember, you don’t care if the defendant is guilty. Also, consider that 90% of your cases are mind-numbingly boring. It’s not uncommon for judges to met out justice on the harsh side, over and over and over.

Suddenly, your degree of interest skyrockets when you notice that the lawyer representing that new defendant is from the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Why? 50% of the contributions to your campaign is given by the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe. Might you wonder if you’ll receive the same kind of support next time you run for office?

Ya gotta dance with the one who brought ya.

For Dewey the judge puts on another robe. This robe demands that everything is on the up-and-up. And why not? You’re a judge that follows the law, aren’t you?

FYI: Like crime, no arrest is perfect.

Got probable cause? Since the judge knows it makes his favorite attorney look good when the case kicked outright, for some reason, most of the cases brought by Dewey get dismissed before they ever see a courtroom; . . . with one caveat which relates directly to the defendant’s wealth. Since you can’t generate mega-legal fees without a trial, rich clients of Dewey often suffer through a trial and appeal. What a surprise.

If the judge doesn’t dismiss, it doesn’t mean the defendant is in any real danger of being found guilty. The judge has ample leeway when presenting jury instructions. Written with a slant, “beyond reasonable doubt,” can mean, ‘if the crime isn’t video taped, you cannot convict.’ And if that wasn’t enough, the judge always have the right to overturn the jury’s verdict. If he worries about the way it might look, the judge always has the option of making a ruling that will easily be overturned on appeal. (Not a bad thing for the Dewey.)

Gee, I wonder why Dewey gets so many clients? This brings us to that first question. How do you find the right lawyer? If you were ever arrested for a crime would you hire Dewey? You’d be an idiot not to. Answer: Find the attorney and/or law firms that gives the most to the judge and/or judges involved. (Desirable law firms routinely give to every judge in a particular county so there’s no reason to care which judge you’ll end up with.)

It’s the big money in big-time criminal trials that provide campaign contributions for district judges. Millionaire clients looking to get a beloved family member out from under a felony will pay most anything. High price trial lawyers need those high attorney fees to contribute to all the district judges.

Civil trials

A judge’s leeway for civil trials can be massive, but it rarely needs to be. In the case of big corporation v. little guy, the little guy almost never makes it to the trial. The law has already been changed to prevent that from happening. If you have ever been proven innocent of a crime after being incarcerated you may think there’s a big multi-million dollar lawsuit against the state. The law says you get $50k. It doesn’t matter if you’ve spent two days in jail or twenty years in prison. $50k. That’s it. T.S. Was your doctor drunk when he accidently cut your spinal cord during that delicate operation? Best you can get is $250k. That’s the law. T.S. Want to sue the corporation that hurt you? Better do it quick. There always seems to be a short time-line to file suit. The list goes on-and-on.

Is justice for sale? When has it not been?

GOP sanity is in short supply

Jacob over at Contextual Criticism asks the question, Why would anyone vote Republican especially after their dismal record? He’s got a point. Cathy Bonner once told me that if Dubya was a serial killer there would still be 20% of the population that supports him. I’m starting to wonder if mass psychosis is systemic to a huge swath of population.

It never occurred to me that democracy might be in danger of it’s own inclusiveness. What if the voters are nuts? Is that why the Republicans typically oppose mental health funding? Are they afraid of being committed? They should be. Maybe we should start funding some sort of vaccine.