Monthly Archives: November 2008

The American Family Association, selling hate one Jesus at a time.

My favorite blog comes from Jacob over at Contextual Criticism. He got me laughing about the American Family Association. The AFA is selling a Christian lawn decoration, a cross, which – through the everlasting spirit of Christmas – looks exactly like a burning cross when you cover it in lights. And what better way to celebrate Christmas than to display a burning cross on your lawn? The problems is, The American Family Association serves their hate on fine china. They are quite capable of endorsing a real burning cross. It’s who they are. They are the American Family that hates the other American Families. There’s a certain zen to it.

Jacob doesn’t know this but one of the reasons I chose to name my blog “Basket of Puppies” was to continue the tradition of using hyperbole in naming as pioneered by the “American Family Association.”

From the American Family Assocation. It could happen to your town. They sell fear because that’s the way Jesus would of wanted it sold.

They believe gay pride parades (for Christmas and the 4th of July) will be mandatory for all citizens and no one wants to wear those skimpy outfits except the preacher. It’s comin’. I really hope it does. For the old-time Christian community, homosexuals eat babies and fuck sheep, but Jesus doesn’t want them to marry each other. It’s a weird, weird world they live in, full of war, but only against Christmas. Up is down, streams are running up hill and fish are in the trees. The only constant in their world – black is not white. Black is black and never the twain shall meet.

On the upside, I enjoy the thought of their anguish at a new black president. They must be pulling out the last strands of gray hair. Since these fundamentalist still live in the 1950’s, and because Blazing Saddles was full of truthiness, I imagine their prayers to sound like: “Dear God, why did you send us this nigger president?” Jesus must be testing their faith. Hallelujah.

I want to commend Jacob over at Contextual Criticism and other like him that have been keeping an eye on these bigots left over from the 1950’s. I’ve been lagging in this area. Ever since the Boy Scouts became the next army-of-god I have been meaning to join in the fight. For me, prop 8 was a rally cry. We need to stand against these bullies.

Thanksgiving is coming up, so I’d like to pass on a Thanksgiving blessing:

“I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness. “

I got it from Jimmy Swaggart. Jimmy used it after he was caught fucking whores. It works better if you cry and fall to your knees when you’re done.

Help Fight back:

I am well ahead of the curve regarding Cinemark theaters. I was boycotting Cinemark long before prop 8. Although, boycotting isn’t really the right word. I just hated the place. For those of you who haven’t heard, Cinemark’s Mormon CEO, Alan Stock, made a $9,999 donation to the “Yes on Prop 8” effort. (I’m sure there’s some financial reason he didn’t give the full 10k. I like to believe he had too many pennies.)

Cinemark theaters have pissed me off since day one. First and foremost, their interior looks like it was created by a vomiting clown. Last time I was there (maybe 10 years) the inside was sprayed with green, purple and 1950’s celebrity glamor posters. “Oh, look, it’s Carol Lumbard next to Ms. Pac Man, how traditional-ee-ee.” All the signs were there. I should of known then what kind of person ran this show. They start every movie with a cartoon featuring their bizarre cartoon spokes-cat, “Front Row Joe.”

Speaking in Generalities:

A new song comes up on the radio, but something isn’t quite right. You become aware that the song sucks. It has no depth. The melody is somehow strained. Then you realize that you are listening to Christian rock. It all makes sense now. So, what is it? What is it about Christian rock that doesn’t make the cut? I’m not sure, but if Mormon rock exists it can’t be good. Alan Stock has created the Mormon rock of theaters. I’m not saying that all Christians have no imagination, but . . .

I’m hard pressed to explain away the Christian metal band Stryper. It’s the same kind of bad taste I received from Front Row Joe. The point is, I should of known then what kind of place Cinemark was. Front Row Joe has all the charm of a Guantanamo interrogation, and was probably funded by the military for just that purpose. Front Row Joe is Mormon hard rock.

It’s not really about crappy cartoon spokes-cats, or how Mormons seem less creative, it’s about hate. It’s about the CEO of Cinemark Theaters, Alan Stock, the unimaginative, self-righteous, master of his domain, and his quest to promote hate. Why would anyone want to support that? Please don’t go to Cinemark theaters.

The FCC, Kevin Martin and G. Clifford Prout

Kevin Martin pushes my buttons, dials my number and hangs me out to dry. What a dweeb. To bring the full story takes too long, suffice to say, Martin has been working diligently to enforce his burka-esque puritanism onto our airwaves ever since he was appointed to chair the FCC. It almost goes without saying, but Martin may be more sexually repressed than G. Clifford Prout.

The similarities between Martin and Prout are astounding. For those of you don’t know, from 1959 thru 1962, G. Clifford Prout spoke to the nation’s heart. Prout was the ultra-conservative chairman of SINA. (The Society for Indecency to Naked Animals.) Something had to be done about clothing the naked animals!

As luck would have it, Prout even got on the evening news with Walter Cronkite. It wasn’t until later that G. Clifford Prout was exposed as comedy writer Buck Henry, and that SINA was nothing more than a hoax. (Cronkite was pissed!)

While Prout was able to successfully elicit donations (which were never accepted) Kevin has been spending millions to be educated by U.S. federal judges. Kevin’s losses in the court system have gone unrivaled. He has already been censored by the New York Court of Appeals after they found the FCC’s “fleeting expletive” rule unconstitutional. After that Kevin couldn’t legally impose fines against the bad word people, but there was still Janet Jackson’s breast from the Superbowl.


That breast was a picture, not a word. So, Kevin is off to the races again, this time to the Supreme Court because a lower court has already slapped that breast down. I can still hear Prout demanding that “we must cloth the naked animals!” United States Appeals Wardrobe Ruling

It’s a weird set of circumstances when this nation gets to arguing over tits. Kevin’s puritan brainwashing not withstanding, is this really the best way to spend taxpayer money? How much does it cost to take a case to the Supreme Court? Do we really need the FCC? Forcing federal judges to teach Martin about the Constitution is costing us a fortune.

Who was hurt by Janet Jackson’s breast?

I was. To this day I remain deeply disturbed, a shell of man. I hardly go out anymore. Boobs terrify me. Last week I found myself crying, alone, naked, in the back of my closet, after accidently channel surfing onto one of the Spanish cleavage channels. It was horrible. I panicked. Wildly pushing buttons I ended up surfing into Woody Allen’s “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask.” That’s right, it was the scene with the 40 foot boob. (I’m told they usually run in pairs.)

Oddly enough, while breasts frighten me, I’m still okay with nipples. (But only because Janet’s jewelry is exactly like my branding iron.)

Seriously, what’s the deal with Kevin Martin? Unless he selects an Amish jury I don’t think he can find 12 people that are offended by a breast. I may be wrong about the Amish. Teats may be more of a practical matter for them. If this was about child-bearing hips we’d be in trouble.

If obscenity is really the question, how are images of war not obscene? How are images of violence not obscene? How obscene is this haircut? I think we can all get behind lynching his barber.

Martin’s hypocrisy only goes so far, and then you wake up riding a dinosaur in the Creationist Museum. Is this all because Kevin Martin is a virgin? Please, some woman, or young boy, please, take a bullet for the team and sex this man down. He’s costing us a fortune.

Undiagnosed Mass Psychosis

When Janet’s breast hit the public an army of mindless conservatives lost their collective minds, and I can’t think of deranged mobs without thinking of Monty Python’s The Life of Brian. There was, as there is now, a mass of people desperate to find reason in our unreasonable reality. Lest we forget, these people are perfectly capable of bugging the crap out of everyone in their deluded quest to force their beliefs down our spiritual throats. Do we really need to spend money to appease these people?

Is their faith is so precarious as to fall away at the sight of a woman’s breast? No one was hurt. Nobody died. There were no tit riots. The only victim was the news cycle. Last time it was this bad, “flag burning” forced all three networks to spend months explaining the Constitution, . . .again.

If the Kirk Cameron Christians are feeling “Left Behind” every time they stumble across a pile of cloths should we outlaw laundry? We’ve already spent billions on an abstinence program that has been rebuked by every major independent assessment as worthless. Do we really need to spend money fighting our own court system? I guess so, Kevin Martin was Left Behind to chair the FCC.

Kevin, you insecure little dweeb, for decency sake, get some therapy.
On another note:

First there was the ending to the new Indiana Jones movie. (Aliens? Really?) And now, at the end of Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond movie, the audience is invited to watch an exploding hotel. An exploding hotel? That’s right. Apparently the hotel is powered by hydrogen fuel cells – which don’t explode, but for James Bond, they do. Remember how easy it was to believe in the exploding volcano lair? When is the bad guy going to make his hideout in a fireworks factory?

Also: For some reason I’ve been receiving 10 times the usual number of hits on Basket of Puppies regarding George Hunter White, who I featured in a post last year at this time. If you’ve come to my blog in an effort to find info on the Hunter S. Thompson of law enforcement please send me an e-mail and tell me why you are interested. (One of the best resources is Wikipedia.) I love writing about George Hunter White. It’s an incredible story and my curiosity is itiching to find out why he has recently become so popular. For those that don’t know, White’s personal writings and correspondence are available at Stanford – but can’t be checked out. They are only available for viewing in the library.

Sarah Palin – The Spinal Tap Candidate

I still can’t stop laughing. A press conference in front of slaughtering turkeys? Is this really happening? Yup. If you’d like to watch for yourself, here is an unedited version, but if you get squeamish watching turkeys being killed its not worth it: ( )
I can’t bring myself to be upset at the sight of a turkey being killed. I’ve digested too many of his delicious brethren to betray my hypocrisy now.

On the political savvy scale – 1 to 10, how savvy is killing animals in the background as you talk about not being out-of-touch? One (1) being, “Bill Clinton savvy” and 11 being – “Spinal Tap Republican.”

I immediately smelled conspiracy with behind-the-scenes conversations like, “Okay Ma’am? Just stand right there.” Whispered: “Okay, Earl? When she starts to talkin’, you get to slaughterin’.”

Officially, beginning right now, this is my favorite press conference of all time. This gets my Krusty Brand Seal of Approval. But it raises so many questions. Shouldn’t all press conferences be held in front of turkeys being murdered? The sight certainly took my mind off what she was saying. Everyone’s a winner, you bet cha.

If you haven’t noticed, Sarah’s response to the “What do you read?” question is eerily like “but these go to eleven.”

What is the Sarah Palin story?

Maybe this isn’t even about her. Ripped from the headlines, it’s the story of a young African witch doctor living in Alaska and his magical powers to propel a mildly retarded beauty queen from Mayor to President of the United States inside of four short years, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids. (I’m hoping to sell this as an episode of Scooby Doo.)

Or is this the story about the Jacques Clouseau of politicians? Think The Pink Panther meets Wag the Dog. Or is it, The Sarah Palin Story – Smell the Glove meets The Candidate. In the end, she taught us how to love again. No, wait,. . . . . . In the end, she taught us all how to hate again.

And justice for all. . .

Is there nothing Obama can do after Bush pardons his administration? Not hardly. You’re just not thinking outside the box.

Pardon season is just around the corner.

For those of you too young to understand, once, every four years, the cutest thing happens. Our President plays monarch and releases criminals from prison. That tradition was all good until our President used the power to end dozens of criminal prosecutions against himself and his administration. Mark my words, sometime toward the end of Bush’s term he’ll be letting loose with a stream of pardons that will make every American cringe so I recommend a holiday be enacted. January 20, Cringe Day, a way to commemorate our disdain for politicians. But that’s not my outside-the-box idea.

Bringing you up-to-date: The criminal proceeding are just starting. Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales are about to be indicted in Willacy County, Texas. Willacy is near the very bottom tip of Texas, traditionally a strong democratic stronghold, so I expect Cheney to ask for a change of venue – possibly to Dallas or Houston. Of course the indictment will be moot once Bush hands down the blanket pardons. Cheney, Gonzales indicted in South Texas county

This is just one of dozens of criminal charges that will be leveled against Bush and his administration once they leave office. If history has shown us anything, it has shown us that the use of the Presidential pardon will only be abused to a greater extent next time.

I say, absolutely. That’s a great idea.

Imagine this speech coming from President Barak Obama:

Good evening. As you have noticed, the proceeding administration has performed a cut-and-run. Former President Bush has used his Presidential power of pardon to effectively end dozens of criminal proceedings currently forming against him. By President Bush’s actions we can assume his admission of guilt. Since he doesn’t wish to live under the protection of our laws, I won’t force the issue. While his actions are technically not against the law, it is certainly against the spirit of what our founding fathers envisioned. Therefore, I have taken the following steps to rectify this situation by availing myself of the same constitutional powers. Beginning February 21, 2008, one month from today, I will be offering pardons to any American that breaks the law against former President George W. Bush. If you burn down his house, you need not worry about retribution from this government. You’ll be getting a pardon. The public can do anything short of physically assaulting the man or his family. If he has a car, you can steal it. You will be pardoned before you arrive at the police station. If he’s staying at a friends house, you can burn that down too. Using his own rhetoric against him, if you’re not with us, you’re against us. Through my Presidential power of pardon, I will endorse any action short of direct physical assault against the former President and this continues to any of the pardon-ees of President Bush.

There is a way out for the former President. It’s called banishment. Unless he leaves this country, for all time, by the 21st of February, my order will go into effect. Dubya can elect to stay in this country, but without Secret Service protection, and without any remedies through our justice system. I will be instructing my Attorney General to draw up indictments against the President for war crimes to be presented in the world court, next year. As for those that have been pardoned by President Bush, you do not have to leave this country. You can simply waive your rights to his pardon. It’s up to you.

Saudi highway skating

I tried to explain this to my friends and family. They all gave me a puzzled look. I think it’s because I don’t really understand what I’m seeing.

A closet, in a closet, in a closet

I’m still pissed about California’s Prop 8 vote. I expected the liberal turnout for Obama to beat it down. Mostly, this disappoints me. Just when I think we’re progressing as a culture, my optimism is struck down by a majority of dumbasses.

Then I read about Scott Eckern. The artistic director at the California Musical Theater, Scott Eckern, a Mormon, donated $1,000 to the “Yes on 8″ campaign. Yes, you read that correctly. A closeted Mormon (do they come any other way?) donated a grand to make sure he could never be married to another man. If I’m wrong about this Mormon, let me reiterate, he’s the artistic director of the California Musical Theater.

I honestly don’t think you can’t get that job if you’re straight. Straight men and butch lesbians need not apply. (At least that’s what I imagine what most Mormon’s think.) Eckern must be doing his best to allay the fears of his fellow religious brethren. When I first heard that Mormon closets have their own closets I thought it was to hold their magic underwear. I think we can safely assume it holds another closet.

Scott Eckmen did not say this: “See, this proves it. I am not Gay.”
His money said it for him.

Or, . . . am I getting this all wrong? Eckern wouldn’t be the first man to pay for an excuse not to be married. Is he trying to avoid the old balls and chain? Last I heard Eckmen has resigned as artistic director. His resignation letter speaks from the heart but he seems unable to understand the grievance.

At this time I would like to endorse Sarah Palin!!! I can’t think of a thicker nail for the Republican party’s coffin. She’s a time bomb waiting to go off. That’s right, I’m calling on some major democratic donors to keep this insane pageant contestant out in front, on the Republican runway. “Mindless Ambition,” her Secret Service code name, could be the automated lighthouse that illuminates Republican ignorance. I don’t think she remembers going to school in the little bus. For those of you in the liberal media, please only throw her softballs.

Kudos to Keith Olbermann for referencing Bill Hicks. But I gotta tell you Keith, that advertisement for the fear-jerk alarm service is a bit over the line. Do you really need to go that way? Every time I watch it I expect it to end with, “McCain ‘08.”
Threat-Down!!!! I’m calling on Stephen Colbert to add Giraffes to the list. Don’t forget, they play mine sweeper. I think we can all agree, these animals are some kind of genetic experiment gone terribly wrong.

I can’t remember when I haven’t been a fan of Bill Hicks. This is the truth as he taught it to me. “It’s just a ride.” I live by these words and the last words in the movie Being There. “Life is a state of mind.”

Keith Olbermann’s Special Comment on Prop 8 – Gay marriage; Do unto others. . .

I felt like Keith was too kind to these gay haters.

I resist getting preachy on subjects like this. Mainly because I can’t imagine anyone wanting to read such things. But, Olbermann has inspired me. California’s Prop 8 was nothing less than a referendum on bigotry. Bigotry won. It’s just that sad.

My message to the Christian homophobic haters that voted for California’s Prop 8:

Do you really believe that Jesus loved everyone except homosexuals? Do you really believe that Jesus believed in exclusion to those that does not measure up to a “Christian” level of piety? Do you really believe that Jesus didn’t love everyone, unconditionally?

Try to remember what Jesus didn’t say. Jesus said absolutely nothing about homosexual behavior. That your pastor would represent otherwise is just his own hate.

The alternative to this hate means having to stand up to your friends and family and your church. Jesus understood what that meant. He knew the price to be paid. Now, you do too. The only question is, will you follow in Jesus’ footsteps, or will you follow the road laid out by your hating pastor? If you believed in Jesus’ message you’d stand up to your congregation, you would tell your friends and family that hate is wrong.

Consider Prop 8 as the measure of Jesus’ redemption. This time the haters won.

For those of you who don’t know this: Your hate is its own burden. You’ll never be able to reach salvation carrying that much hate. Losing that load costs you nothing and gains you everything.

Do unto others as they would do unto you.

My Confession

Time for my confession

Alright, I’m going to come clean. In my letter “Lesbian No More” to Penthouse magazine, I lied. I admit it. Those four cheerleaders never existed, and if I want to be honest, I don’t think I could ever persuade four lesbians to change teams like that. Generally, when a strange man, dressed as the pope, breaks into a lesbian slumber party he’s regarded with scepticism, even if he does have a large throbbing unit, which, I do not. Furthermore, I don’t understand how anyone could believe that two lesbian mothers would join the pope in the shower with their daughters and the mentally retarded, large chested, baby sitter. Nor do I believe most suburban homes owns an 8 person shower complete with sex swing. Look, I knew there were some holes in my story when I wrote it. I just didn’t think would bother. My life is falling into a million little pieces.

Last week my son told me he hates commercials. “They all suck.” I tried to remind him that certain ads tell a thirty second story like no other medium could. Sometimes it is art:

Obama has won. I’m feeling patriotic

I can’t help but wonder if the phallic instrument made him gay or if he chose it and the puffy shirt because he was born that way.
Cool sounding, yet totally gay:

Guitar, but without the puffy shirt and haircut, not so gay:

Do you know Raphael?

You go tell Raphael, I ain’t taking no jive from no western union messenger. You tell that asshole, if he got something to tell me to get his ass down here himself. Then he said that I was to get my white ass out of there quick or he’d cut it.

It’s a Joy to hear the joy

The New York Times has a video that made me cry

My favortie people. Rachael Maddow was on Stephen Colbert:

Lets put our rapists to work

I’m having a hard time understanding my own feelings. I am thrilled that Obama is the next President. I found myself crying during his acceptance speech. All the while, I watch as our world falls apart before my eyes. Madness seems to be spreading.

In March of 2002 the Saudi religious police forced 15 young girls to burn to death. The school girls were forced to stay inside a burning building because they were not wearing correct Islamic dress.

It’s one of those stories that is forced into the back of my mind. Facing the truth of these sick, twisted animals forces me to hate. It’s just easier to focus on my lack of power to effect the situation. I hear these stories and wonder what reality I’m in. A couple of days ago I was blind sided with this story:

Girl Is Stoned to Death in Somalia After Reporting Rape

In Somalia the Muslims believe it’s appropriate for a freshly raped 13 year old girl to be stoned to death for committing adultery. I try like hell to keep my hate in check, but war seems justified against pure evil. And how can stoning rape victims be anything less than pure evil?

Is there such a thing as “more insane?”

With Somalia legalizing rape, my hate for such things leads me to imagine going to war against this abusive culture. But when did war ever solve anything? So, I’ve re-thought my hateful designs and decided on another strategy. If “bombing for peace” works, I’m thinking “non-consensual, male-on-male fucking” could work to stop rape. We’ll need a recruiting effort from our prison population to rape the Somalian men. Remember that scene from Pulp Fiction? Kind-of-like that but multiplied by thousands. It make more sense than anything else to get medieval on their ass.

So now I’ve gone round the bend. I’ve become the curmudgeon I’ve always feared. Remember Grand-pa Simpson’s letter to the President? :

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states. Please eliminate two of them.
P.S. I am not a crack pot!

We’ll, here’s mine:

Dear Mr. President,
Please send all convicted man-on-man rapist to
Somalia and have them rape the all the men. P.S. I am not a crack pot!!

P.P.S. And please do something those murderous Giraffes!! They want to
eat our brains.

This story almost got by me. Someone has stolen a beach. No, really. In Jamaica someone stole a beach.

Jamaica puzzled by theft of beach

To date the police have not found the 500 truck loads of beach so there’s some kind of sand cover-up going on. Which means someone has the dirt, on the dirt, on the sand.

I just heard about Palin not knowing that Africa was a continent. If this is just a malicious rumor I commend it’s author because it’s the kind of thing that sounds like stone cold truthiness. In other words, ‘you can’t make this kind of thing up.’ And if it isn’t true I don’t feel alone in blaming the Alaskan Governor for feeding these type of rumors by not being candid and available for interviews. The only thing the public knows about Palin is her inability to think on her feet. It seems most people are not freaked out by this. I can’t help but wonder about the nightmare scenario of Palin becoming President. How can this almost happen? Electing a mentally challenged beauty pageant contestant to the highest office is half a step away from a Marx Brother’s movie. It makes more sense to steal a beach and move it to Fredonia.