Monthly Archives: March 2008

>The Bunny Hoax of 1726

>Around 1726 Mary Toft began giving birth to bunnies. Lots of bunnies. At first she gave birth to a sliced up cat, gutted and filled with an eel. Shortly after she began giving birth to baby rabbits to the tune of one a day.

Mary Toft
http://www.oxforddnb.com/public/dnb/27494.html

I’m not kidding. Little baby bunny rabbits would pop out of her vagina on a daily basis. A doctor was on hand to help her deliver her 15th bunny and wrote about it. From December 3, 1726, entitled: “A Short Narrative of an Extraordinary Delivery of Rabbets, Perform’d by Mr John Howard Surgeon at Guilford.” By the end of the year the entire country was in an uproar. That’s what people in 1726 did back in England, they uproared.

After Ms. Toft had given birth to her 17th bunny, King George I had dispatched his surgeons to find the truth. When she stopped giving birth to baby rabbits they threatened to dissect her and she confessed to making the whole thing up.

And right now, 282 years later, those bunnies are running this government.

I like to believe that Mary Toft was just fine giving birth little baby bunny rabbits until those awful men from the government made her stop. Now, we’ll never know.

Big hoaxes work the best because they are big. We all want to believe the outrageous story. A few years back there was a rumor going round that the wife of our Texas Gov. caught him having intercourse with Texas’ Sec. of State. It was a great rumor because the implications were so very outrageous. And it could still be true.

It’s always the big hoax that captivates your mind and right now, as McCain seems to have a chance to win the Presidency, I’m shitting bunnies. Literally. They’re everywhere. I don’t think people quite understand how broke this country would be if we continued this war for another 4 years. His stance on continuing this war must be a hoax. Does he really think we have another 4 trillion dollars? If he wins the only thing we’ll have to eat is rabbit stew and I can’t eat Booger, Copper, Pepper and Master Sargent Chocolate Ears Murphy.

(Note to self: Invest in a tortilla press that burns image of Jesus.)

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>The best defense for the Penis Pump Judge

>For the last two weeks I’ve been working like a furious badger at my computer. Not much time for blogging. I’ve been compiling a list of Republican criminals to update a list I made in 2007 and the experience is warping my fragile little mind. For instance. . .

Judge Donald Thompson, better known as the ‘penis pump judge’, is a lesson in weirdness. Not because he would wear a penis pump under his robes during trials or even because his clerk saw him naked on several occasions. It’s what happened after he was arrested that the story gets grows crazy wings.

Penis pump judge gets 4-year jail term

Like every other last ditch defense, Judge Thompson was pulling out all the stops. Channeling Austin Powers, Thompson claimed the pump was a gag gift. He never used it. But mostly, and most importantly, even though many court participants remarked that they would hear a woooshing sound coming from the bench, Judge Thompsons swore by all that was holy, that he never once masturbated while on the bench. There. It had to be said.

Cue CSI music. David Caruso, “Your Honor, we took a look at your robes and underneath your bench; we hit it with a black light and they lit up like there has been an year long orgy going on.”

That’s right. When the police turned their ultra-violet light onto the judges robes, semen stains were illuminated all over the inside. Same for his bench. Because he was a Republican I imagine he ejaculated every time he found someone guilty and then went back into chambers to smoke a cigarette and molest his eight year old son.

If that wasn’t enough, the prosecution went to the trouble of running the DNA of the semen stains just in case another judge was sneaking into the courtroom and night and masturbating his way around the room.

But what’s with the obvious lie? Weird. He would of had a better chance of pleading a small penis. Sympathy votes aren’t unheard of on a jury.

But the funny doesn’t cum until the next guy takes the bench. He had to know why he was replacing the previous judge so you know there had to be a conversation like, “Are you sure you got the bench clean?” “Don’t tell the cleaning staff why, just tell them to get in there with Ajax and Lye soap.” “I don’t care what it costs. Someone get me a sandblaster and some Clorox.”

>Suck it Jesus, John Frum is my God now

>I’ve joined the John Frum movement. You should too.

The following is taken from the Smithsonian Magazine

In John We Trust – published Feb. of 2006. Written by Paul Raffaele
(Paul, . . great, great writing. Definitely worth the read.)

Here’s the skinny: There’s a tropical island called Vanuatu, on the other side of the world – a jillion miles away in the South Pacific. You might have seen it on “Survivor.” The villagers of this tiny island worship John Frum, an American they met in the 1930’s. Frum promised them cargo. Cargo? Yep. Cargo. The religion built around this man is what anthropologists call a ‘cargo cult.’ For the islanders it is about John Frum. He was the American who told them to reject Christianity and western values like money and to live according to their old ways. Free.

Cargo cults are nothing new. They routinely erupt in remote islands where foreigners and their amazing stuff is considered godly by natives that have little or no contact with the outside world. My contention is that the John Frum religion is not a cargo cult.

“For as long as Tanna’s inhabitants can remember, island men have downed kava at sunset each day in a place off-limits to women. Christian missionaries, mostly Presbyterians from Scotland, put a temporary stop to the practice in the early 20th century, also banning other traditional practices, or “kastom,” that locals had followed faithfully for millennia: dancing, penis wrapping and polygamy. The missionaries also forbade working and amusement on Sundays, swearing and adultery. In the absence of a strong colonial administrative presence, they set up their own courts to punish miscreants, sentencing them to forced labor. The Tannese seethed under the missionaries’ rules for three decades. Then, John Frum appeared.”

“John told us that all Tanna’s people should stop following the white man’s ways,” Chief Kahuwya says. “He said we should throw away their money and clothes, take our children from their schools, stop going to church and go back to living as kastom people. We should drink kava, worship the magic stones and perform our ritual dances.”

And they did just that. Forever faithful that Frum would return one day with the cargo he promised. None came until WWII. Americans built a small military base on Vanuatu, reinforcing the ‘cargo cult’ when the natives were employed and given many unique American gifts. But the prophesy of John returning with cargo never really happened.

“John promised he’ll bring planeloads and shiploads of cargo to us from America if we pray to him,” a village elder tells me as he salutes the Stars and Stripes. “Radios, TVs, trucks, boats, watches, iceboxes, medicine, Coca-Cola and many other wonderful things.”

I’m not buyin’ it. This is not a “Cargo-Cult.” John Frum gave them direction. He never gave them much more than cargo, he freed these people from the tyranny of evil men. He told them to throw away the Christian ways. He told them it wouldn’t make them happy. And then he had the audacity to say, worship me instead. Somehow, I don’t think they’d be happier as Christians.

“The chief tells me about his trip to the United States in 1995, and shows faded pictures of himself in Los Angeles, outside the White House and with a drill sergeant at a military base. He says he was astonished by the wealth of the United States, but surprised and saddened by the poverty he saw among white and black Americans alike, and by the prevalence of guns, drugs and pollution. He says he returned happily to Sulphur Bay. “Americans never show smiling faces,” he adds, “and so it seems they always think that death is never far away.”

“Death is never far away.” Is that what makes us sad? I am happier thinking about life and less happy when I think about death. Romeo the cat is back. (Read about Romeo’s near death experience on Beth’s New Improved Austin Bloggery) and now I am happier. But the Chief is right. Americans never show smiling faces.

“As we look down into John Frum’s fiery Tanna home, I remind him that not only does he not have an outboard motor from America, but that all the devotees’ other prayers have been, so far, in vain. “John promised you much cargo more than 60 years ago, and none has come,” I point out. “So why do you keep faith with him? Why do you still believe in him?”

Chief Isaac shoots me an amused look. “You Christians have been waiting 2,000 years for Jesus to return to earth,” he says, “and you haven’t given up hope.”

Don’t lose faith Chief Isaac. The Cargo’s comin’!

Come on guys! (I’m looking at you internet community) Lets put together a fund to send a cargo ship out from Australia. Will fill it full of everything a modern islander needs. If anyone knows Christopher Hitches, have him read this. He would be perfect to bring the right people to this cause.

We’ll have to leave the note, “Sorry for the wait. I’ve been busy. Here’s the cargo I promised. I’ll send more when I get a chance. And remember, live free. Live according to the old ways. Don’t go Christian. Signed, John Frum.”

$200,000

$200,000 ought to do the job. $200,000 to fulfill a prophesy. $200,000 to create a real miracle and forever keep Christians away from these people.

Wiki Travel broke down the current religious sects in Vanuatu: Presbyterian 36.7%, Anglican 15%, Roman Catholic 15%, indigenous beliefs 7.6%, Seventh-Day Adventist 6.2%, Church of Christ 3.8%, other 15.7% (including the John Frum Cargo cult)

Only 15% of the population are part of the Jon Frum movement. They need your support. Lets end the iron fist of Christianity on these islands forever. I can’t think of a better charity. We could save these people for generations. And only an American can do it.

We can save these people from fear and hate. We can save them from South Park Christians:

South Park Christians:

Stan : “Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny’s my friend. Why can’t God take someone else’s friend?”

Chef : “Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He’s all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can’t get over it, so he doesn’t care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don’t matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?”

Stan : “But then, why does God give us anything to start with?”

Chef : “Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothin’ to cry about. That’s like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it’s our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.”

Stan : “I think I understand.”

_____________

Before the Christians arrived, the Vanuatu were living the way God intended. Free. I’ll admit that not all Christians are the same but missionaries always seem to play the angry vengeful God card. The Vanuatu would be better off worshiping the Ori. (My favorite imaginary God from the TV show Stargate.)

By fulfilling the prophesy of John Frum it would fulfill my dream of becoming a reverse missionary – which many consider to be the reverse cowgirl, but that’s something else entirely.

Vanuatu cargo cult marks 50 years – BBC

>Greed and Oil. Another war for our souls

>After close reflection, I’ve decided that most of my anti-war cynicism comes from Peter Townsend.

I took his words to heart.

War is one tragic, horrible story after another. How can it be anything else?

If there is one story that describes this war it’s the tragedy of Col. Westhusing. Robert Bryce of the Texas Observer brought the suffering of the war to me with this one story. Colonel Ted Westhusing was true blue. A devout Catholic, he had a wife and three kids. When the war started, he truly believed in America. He believed what his superiors told him. He believed in the cause of this war. On June 5, 2005 he gave up believing. – it’s worth a read. Westhusing’s story is about how war broke his spirit, and how it’s depth of evil destroyed his soul.

Suicide Was the Only Way Out of Iraq for Col. Westhusing

It’s what war does to men. No matter how you package the lie, it comes down to murder. They can romanticize it. They can put medals on it. They can glorify it as a fight for justice. But when one man murders another, for them, the lie of war becomes apparent. And how do you cope with murdering someone? Too late, you don’t have time to cope, you’ve been Stop-Lossed.

For the survivors of this war, even if Bush wins, they lose. Our soldiers are not returning to clinics full of mental health professionals. They are returning to a country that doesn’t believe murdering for a lie causes trauma. For Congress, those returning vets are weak and deserve their fate. They obviously don’t believe in our righteousness. How dare they? Don’t they realize that they are under orders to believe?

It’s that weakness that makes us human, and ultimately, good.
_________________________

Gary Shandling did a funny bit last April on Bill Maher. I thought it was insightful.

Shandling:

“And, so, they go in there and there’s no WMD. I thought we were going in for oil, pretty much right from the beginning. I thought this is probably about oil. And then – then I was upset for the – okay, there’s no WMD, and I was upset about that. And I’ve done a turn to the point now where I’m just hoping that there’s oil. Otherwise, we’re really screwed.”

Was the war about oil? Now that there are no WMD’s, Dubya would have us believe that it’s about bringing democracy to Iraq. It’s taken a while, but I think we’ve all learned to judge our President by his actions, not his words. Dubya’s deeds spoke loudest when he ordered the troops to secure the oil, not the people.

It was always about oil. We knew Dubya was an oil man and, and for him, national security is at stake. In less than ten years the oil starts running out and Iraq holds one of the last untapped oil reserves in the middle east. If we secure it now, we won’t have to spend the oil to secure it later. – at least that’s how those oil guys think.

This war was nothing more than an oil heist gone bad. How could it not go bad? Dubya was the brains of the operation. It wasn’t worth the expense to save the people of Iraq. Better to teach them a lesson. How dare they not accept democracy?

Oil = National Security ?

That’s why I want us to pull out of Iraq. That’s why we need to end the war. I don’t want those oil-at-all-costs guys to win. We need to send a message to these ruthless, bankrupt souls that are willing to send young men to their deaths for oil. We can’t reward this behavior. Let’s show ‘em what Americans are made of and give the oil to China. Or is that seditious?

I find it odd about we-the-people don’t win if the Iraq oil is secured. The only winners are the oil companies. Securing the oil is a 24/7/365 job that, we-the-people, must pay for; making it the most expensive oil in the history of the world. Why are we fighting this war?

One trillion dollars. It would of been cheaper to corner the oil market.
______________________

Of note: What’s with those civil war re-enactment guys? On its face it doesn’t seem like a very fun war to re-enact. I would of thought those sword and shield battles would offer much more to do. How does it get fun re-enacting the fight against slavery and racism? Or is that the draw?

Underneath it all, I’d like to end that romanticism. We can’t hope to end war when it’s still regarded as a good thing. No need to stop-loss our troops. These guys could be our new front line troops. Don’t they want to go to war?

For the record:

In fifty years, some out-of-work hillbillies will set about re-enacting the glorious battles of the Iraq war. I want to state for the record – people falling down to imaginary roadside IED’s just seems stupid.

>Anonymous, by Grapthar’s Hammer I Salute You!

>Anonymous came out in force in Austin today. Scientology was their bitch.

I arrived after 3:00, so I missed most of the good stuff. (My doctor said it was medically necessary to wake up slowly on Saturday and putter around the house and watch T.V. – for medicinal purposes. )

Anonymous told me the turn out was around 90 members in the morning and a BBC truck stopped by around noon. I’m guessing the BBC was here to do a piece about South by Southwest which is going on now in Austin and decided to cover the COS protest.

Anonymous truly impressed me. A great bunch. They’re doing the right thing, fighting the right fight, and putting themselves on the line to protect the public from a cult. Good job anonymous! Keep it up.

Anonymous continues to try and chip away at Scientology’s tax exempt status. Good luck. That could take years. I suggested going after Scientology for practicing medicine without a license, because that’s what they do. Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to find out how many people they’ve killed by trying to treat mental illness with an e-meter. For readers of my blog that don’t know much about the Church of Scientology, check out Xenu.net.

The page is called “Operation Clambake.” It’s definitely worth the read. They’ve got a long list of people hurt by the L. Ron Hubbard cult.

By my estimation, if Anonymous could convince only a hand full of doctors and mental health professionals to go after Scientology for unlicensed medical care, they could shut the doors on the Church of Tom Cruise within a year. The COS has the right to say they don’t believe in psychiatry, but they don’t have a right to prescribe an e-meter for schizophrenia.

Doctors are territorial when it comes to their profession and the e-meter is just another prescription. I don’t think Tom Cruise went to medical school – even in the movies.

>The End is Near

>The World is going to end.

Doomsday: Sometime in May of 2008. . . . . . just thought you’d like to know.

Since Autumn of last year “True Russian Orthodox Church” decided the world was coming to an end and in “True” apocalyptic fashion, crawled into a hole in the ground. All 35 of them – including 4 kids and an infant – crawled into some kind of underground bunker and refused to come out – about 400 miles southeast of Moscow. As an added bonus, they are threatening to blow themselves up if anyone tries to bring them out.

From November 15, 2007:
Sect Waiting Out Doomsday in Penza Cave

Will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the Earth?

Answer: No.

>An Honest Thief

>Oh, sweet mother of Shadenfruede!

Rick Renzi, you’re my new hero. Apparently it’s illegal to fund your campaign with money stolen from pro-life groups. Maybe he could plead ignorant. I would of thought it was okay to steal their money.

If you haven’t heard: Rep. Rick Renzi stole $400,000 in insurance premiums from dozens of pro-life organizations and funneled it into his campaign. Click here to read the story from ABC News.

What I don’t understand is the disconnect. Renzi isn’t stupid. You have to have some smarts to make it into Congress, don’t you? When $400,000 in insurance premiums were not paid, the insurance company cancelled the policies. He had to know that his clients would be notified. He had to know his clients would notify the authorities, which they did. Is he just living for the moment?

You’re Rick Renzi. You’re driving down the highway in a stolen car. Twenty state troopers are right behind you, filling your rear view mirror with flashing red and blue lights. What are you thinking? That’s a hell of a mind set for day to day operations.

Schadenfreud is achieved when Renzi received a 100 percent rating from the National Right to Life Committee for his voting record. Sounds like an honest thief to me. He stayed bought after he stole their money.