Dick Cheney Jokes and the Search for a New Candidate

Once again I have mixed feelings about this race to the Whitehouse. What about the disenfranchised? We need a dark horse candidate. We need Leslie Alicia Cochran. For those of you who are not from Austin, Leslie is our resident homeless and celebrated transvestite. A few years back he ran for mayor and garnered almost three thousand votes. While Leslie may be a little off kilter he’s well spoken. I’ve spent some time with the man. For an entire summer I gave him a ride downtown from Bee Caves. He’s seems nice enough, although, even though I’ve spent hours with him, every time we meet he has no idea who I am. You know, like every other candidate.

We need a candidate that would add color to a debate stage. I was stoked when Stephen Colbert ran in South Carolina. For the first time in forever a pundit had a chance of controlling a delegate. Knowing Colbert, the Democratic Convention would of never been the same. Once again I have to mention the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You can check it out at:


Our job as citizens is to judge these candidates as people and decide for ourselves if they are worthy of our support. How can anyone judge these people? By their very nature, Presidential Candidates are practiced at not revealing anything personal, deep or real about themselves. I have noticed that one way to gauge their real personality is to watch their reactions when confronted with the silly or the humorous. Can they make a joke? Can they tell a good one?

It’s only thru the inane that candidates are forced to let their guard down. I’ve been saving a question for years. I haven’t had the chance to hit a Republican candidate with it yet. If someone uses this, please e-mail me back and let me know how it played out.

The question: “If Jesus Christ returned to earth tomorrow and ordered you, as your professed savior, to have sex with him, would you?”

You know the candidate would be worth supporting if he gave a detailed description of how he would sexually satisfy our lord. I mean, he has too, doesn’t he? If Jesus is your lord and savior, and he orders you to do something, how can you say no? I’ll tell you how. You can say no if you don’t have enough faith. And you can say no if you hate Jesus.

Dick Cheney Fun Facts: an addendum to Jon Stewart’s “You don’t know Dick.”

The first rule of Dick Cheney; you do not talk about Dick Cheney.

It is impossible to charge Dick Cheney with “obstruction of justice.” This is because Cheney cannot be in two places at the same time.

In the intelligence community, death is referred to as the “Dick Cheney Disease.”

Whenever Dick Cheney travels to France, they surrender.

Dick Cheney once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Dick Cheney sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Dick Cheney was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Dick Cheney can slam a revolving door.

Dick Cheney doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.

Dick Cheney can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In an act of great philanthropy, Dick Cheney made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Dick Cheney brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Dick Cheney’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Dick Cheney doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Dick Cheney can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Dick Cheney once fought a grown male badger out of its den with only his teeth.

Dick Cheney starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, half a pound of pure Colombian cocaine, and twenty ounces of rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. (This one may just be an urban legend, but to date the Vice President has never denied any of it.)

When Dick Cheney goes to eat Mexican, he orders a whole Mexican but only eats his soul.

Why did Dick Cheney cross the road? No one has ever dared question his motives.

Dick Cheney can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Dick Cheney’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.

Dick Cheney’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Dick Cheney lost his virginity before his dad did.

Dick Cheney doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Dick Cheney invented American flag pants.

My favorite jokes:

A man walked into his psychiatrist’s office with a concerned look.
“Doc, I’m worried. I’m having that dream again.”
“Which dream is that?”
“You know,” said the man, “the one where I’m into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia. Should I be worried? Or am I just beating a dead horse?!”

For some reason this joke sounds funnier if you imagine that Christopher Walken is telling it:

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He says, “Doctor, I’m really worried about this dot I’ve developed in the middle of my forehead. It showed up last week and it hasn’t gone away.”
The doctor looks at his forehead and says, “I’ve only seen this in my medical books, but I am certain that this is what is happening. Within the next few months, you will sprout a full-sized penis from the middle of your forehead!”

“You mean to tell me that every day when I get out of bed and look in the mirror, I’m going to see a penis growing from my forehead?”

“Oh, goodness no, of course not,” said the doctor. “The balls will cover your eyes.”

Now, I think this last one is hysterical. What is wrong with me? Everyone I tell it to just rolls their eyes.

Three blind mice walked into a pub.
As they couldn’t observe their surroundings, it would be unfair to derive humor from this.


Rudy Giuliani is to 9/11 as ___________ is to 9/11.
Answer: Reno.


Knock, knock Rudy. Who’s there?
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget.


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