>Suck it Jesus. Con men, Hoaxes, Censorship and Grifter Extraordinaire, William Donohue

>I love stories of Con-games and hoaxes almost as much as I like stories about Censorship.

Let’s all take a moment to thank the Christian crusader, the Pinnacle of Puritanical Piety, William Donohue of the Catholic League. (And I hear he looks sexy in a bathing suit.) Once again he has anointed his Catholic seal of disapproval, this time on Kathy Griffin and her now infamous ‘Suck it Jesus” speech at the Emmy’s. Donohue called to “denounce Griffin’s obscene and blasphemous comment.” Good for you Donohue. That’ll teach her, all the way to the bank. She’ll be crying herself to sleep tonight on her big pile of money. Can’t you take the time to denounce me or this blog?

When I heard ‘suck it Jesus’ I was immediately reminded of the painting September Morn. In 1913 publicist Harry Reichenbach engineered the perfect hoax which sold millions of prints of a nude called September Morn. He tricked Anthony Comstock, head of the Anti-Vice Society and arch-angel of virtue and decency, to denounce the painting as vulgar and corrupting to our youth. (It helps if a bunch of kids are paid to be on the street ogling the picture when Comstock just happened to arrive.) Comstock complaints were printable money for Reichenbach. Everyone had to go see for themselves, and then buy, the pornographic painting that was corrupting our youth.

It doesn’t matter how true the September Morn story is, for this latest incarnation please make a note in your programs; the role of Anthony Comstock will be played by William Donohue of the Catholic League. Amen.

Ms. Griffin would be the first to admit to playing the Jesus card to her advantage. Thanks to Fox News and Donohue, she is all over the media and ‘suck it Jesus’ is probably already being made into a music video on Youtube.com. The censorship has also spawned suckitjesus.com which has already collected over 6400 signatures for a censorship petition. Which only makes me want to create a petition to censor the censorship petition. Who’s with me? We’ll call it “suck-it, suck-it-Jesus dot com.” But I’m only going to do it if someone with start another web site tries to censor mine.

If I had to name my favorite hoax it would be the Society of the Indecency to Naked Animals. Or SINA for short. Last night you could of seen Buck Henry on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. After he wrote The Graduate, Heaven can Wait, and To Die For, he became a regular on Saturday Night Live. His greatest role may of been in 1959 when Buck Henry played G. Clifford Prout.

With the help of comedian Alan Abel, Buck Henry proclaimed himself G. Clifford Prout, and denounced the indecency of naked animals. Buck, Alan, if you’re reading this, well done. This is, by far, my favorite hoax. As an endorsement for their fake cause, Buck and Alan were offered thousands of dollars in donations – (which they turned down.) The hoax lasted. SINA wasn’t exposed until Buck was featured on the CBS news and interviewed by Walter Cronkite. Amen. http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/sina.html

I am particularly fond of their anthem:

High on the wings of SINA / we fight for the future now;
Let’s clothe every pet and animal / whether dog, cat, horse or cow!
G. Clifford Prout, our President / he works for you and me,
So clothe all your pets and join the march / for worldwide Decency!
S.I.N.A., that’s our call / all for one and one for all.
Hoist our flag for all to see / waving for Morality.
Onward we strive together / stronger in every way,
All mankind and his animal friends / for SINA, S.I.N.A.!

I’m also a sucker for a good con-game story. I marveled when my uncle relayed tales of his youth. The Mayor use to give him a bat, ten dollars and a six pack of beer for him and his friends to drive through the neighborhoods at night and play mailbox baseball. As the owner of the only hardware store in a small town, for the Mayor, it was money in the bank.

Victor Lustig – also a great story. He sold and then re-sold the Eiffel Tower in 1925 – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Lustig. He told a bunch of scrap metal dealers that Paris was planning to get rid of the Eiffel Tower, and asked if they like to bid on the secret contract. The con worked because the scrap dealers thought they were cheating the government. Greedy victims leaves the audience short on empathy for their injustice.

But what if the victim isn’t greedy? What if you are the victim of mailbox baseball? Now the story isn’t so much fun as it is sad. Donohue is sad like that. He makes a habit of denouncing how people make their money. Regarding Trey Parker and Matt Stone who make South Park:

“Like little whores, they’ll sit there and grab the bucks. They’ll sit there and they’ll whine and they’ll take their shot at Jesus. That’s their stock and trade.”

If I had to compare the piousness of Donohue’s paychecks which comes from little old ladies who fear death, whore money seems ethically cleaner. At least whores work for a living. Sans-Jesus, there’s something inherently dishonest about a spokesman for God. So say-ith the Lord. Amen. Hallelujah.

The last time I heard anyone accuse the Catholic church of truthiness was when they would offer up Indulgences. Simple and easy. Money for redemption. Deal done. They even gave you a fancy certificate you could show God, verifying that your sins have been erased. They were honest about their dishonesty. With the pedophile train stopping at every church, they seems more dishonest about their honesty. Amen.

Other con games don’t bother me so much. Comedian Joe Rogan does a biting bit about penis enlargement pills. Joe argued that if big dick pills really existed, every man in American would be walking around with shopping cart to carry their gigantic penis. How can anyone not know that penis enlargement pills don’t work? (Don’t penises’ enlarge themselves?) Victims of big dick pills isn’t “a fool and his money are soon parted.” This is more of a, “Hey, this vegetable has some money laying on it.” Hallelujah.

I love: “Is my baby gay?” For twenty dollars, and some of your baby’s saliva, they’ll test the DNA and let you know if your baby is gay. http://www.ismybabygay.com/ If you have used this service and now feel bad for being conned, you are so gay. Amen.

I can go on-and-on about UFO’s. Not because I think it’s a hoax, but because it’s a great story. And if you don’t believe the story, I’ve got pictures. And if you think those are fake, I’ve got video. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, the value of UFO’s lay in its story. 9/11 conspiracy? Disturbing, and a great story. Devil baby of Houston? Great bullshit story. William Donohue? That’s just sad. If I had to evaluate Mr. Donohue’s faith, I’d have to say it’s a con-game built on a hoax. Now that’s a story. Amen.

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Do you suddenly, and for no reason, find yourself having sex with members of your own gender? If you do, you may be under the influence of Satan. Fear not! There’s a prayer that exists that forces out this demon. Send $85.00 into my paypal account and I’ll send you a prayer guaranteed to un-gay your sexual tendencies and forever banish Satan’s influence over your nether regions. I’ll make you this promise: If you don’t remain straight for 30 days, I’ll refund your money in front of your entire congregation. Hallelujah.

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